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So the past few days have been pretty cool, the three best things that have happened in my life are as follows.
1. I got into Florida State University, they are the first college to send out admission descisions, so no matter what i am going to college Yay!.
2. Lexie is in town, and even though I feel kinda sick, we have had some fun, she has come to GHS for a day and things have been good since =).
3. I have driven to school the past few days and i have taken Rachel with me. Today we saw the “Hot and Fresh” sign on at Krispy Kreme so i pulled over and bought a dozen hot fresh doughnuts and Rachel and I ate them. We shared the majority i had left over of course. But it was a pretty fun adventure with Rachel, and i enjoy our time together =).
Speaking of enjoying time with the punkface, I wrote a big long blog on the bus the other day about how i am lonely without anybody to ride with me and i have posted it as follows.
So, I know this is going to sound pretty lame, but I have been thinking about it and when Rachel is not on the bus I can never talk to or sit with other people. I am not entirely sure why but I feel like the big reason is that Rachel is somebody I enjoy sitting next to, she is smart and pretty and can hold a good conversation. The “stock” of the kids who ride my bus are not of the most fantastic quality… In fact most of them are pretty obnoxious. There are a select few that I have formed mild acquaintances with. Beyond that there is very little interaction between me and the others. As it is I feel like I am a polar opposite of just about everyone I know… And maybe I am going to far when I say that. Maybe my state of mind is just that of a different age.
Is it possible, nay probable that I somehow skipped a huge block of my personal development? Maybe I have made myself think and moved beyond the maturity levels that I was suppose to incur later in life… Or maybe even it is just arrested development- who the hell knows? I am no psychologist by any means, perhaps Piaget can help me
understand why I am the way I am.Personally I was never a fan of psychoanalysis. In my opinion Freud had good methodology just bad theories. He spent his whole life trying to be profound and famous; I think he was just trying so hard that he began to force his ideas until they became pathological. On the subject, I was never really a fan of psychometric test either. Who is to say that my state of mind is quantitative? IQ is a bunch of bull honky in my opinion. While it does carry some weight it is very culturally based. For instance if I were to take an IQ test in German I would probably score high enough to be considered mentally retarded… Whoo…
That huge digression aside the big moral of my story is that I wish Rachel road the bus home more often. I am lonely when I have nobody riding with me. Even if we don’t talk, I like knowing she is there next to me. *sigh*…. And such is life
Thanksgiving was yesterday… I am still awestruck because it was actually a lot of fun. For the first time in many years I enjoyed the company of my mothers side of the family. It was a traditional thanksgiving dinner but my Cuban mother threw in some good Spanish dishes. The food was all fabulous … I gave my sister a hug and a kiss before I left and it was also for the first time in a long time not forced. Her boyfriend was there his name is Will and I expected him to be a total creep…. But he was actually really nice, he has a bit of a speech impediment but he at least seems like a nice guy. My step dad stayed pretty much out of the way of everything and did not have the autocratic presence he usually does. This is also the first family function I have been to since I escaped from my moms house last year… Yeah escaped. My next thanksgiving is with the Millers out in the boondocks, I have the car ready to go and now I am just waiting for the call from Lexie. I have already eaten to much…. I can’t believe I was able to enjoy thanksgiving. I guess it is true what they say about space fixing family problems =).
Well I jsut woke up around 12:30am it is still “today” so I have time to get this blog entry in! Last ngiht with Lexie was a lot of fun, I drove her and her siblings way out into the boonies to her uncle Steve’s place. The car ride there was funny Eli showed us he can’t count very well and Xylie just kinda laughed at him. I found it funny that I was going 80mph down a dark curvy road just to keep up with Lexie’s parents ><. When we finally got to steve's place everyone was there and there was a ton of food. I was already pretty stuffed from the night before and couldn't eat much. Haze the puppy (not actually a puppy per say) was adorable and calm as usually, sonny the doxin was also cute as can be. It is sad because you can tell that both dogs are still getting over Lincolns death… The time at Steve's house as a whole was pretty fun right as uncle Pete and aunt Sandra were leaving Lex and I took off, but not before she beat my high score on paper toss.
What happened next was strange, Lex navigated me back to Gainesville; which is typical because I have no sense of direction, and we found a dark place to well… "watch the submarine races." Long story short after some fancy positoning the sex was FANTASTIC, Lex was really into it and it was hot and heavy like it is suppose to be =). Afterwards Lex and I just lied down with each other and cuddled in the warm slightly humid SUV… Yeah I have a big car so no worries. I drove her home and watched the godfather with her and her parents for a bit and then drove home and fell asleep.
So I wake up this morning and I go out to the mail box and find that I have two things in the mail for me. A slightly late package from Lexie and a letter from Mandi. Both were great and I can't wait to write back. Chemistry class is trying to have a reunion sometime this week and Rachel wants me to see New Moon with her and creepy Zach kid. We will see how things turn out. I certainly had a lot to write today, I am happy to say my week is just getting better =].
So I have no clue what exactly what is going on between me and Lexie, all I know is that I am putting so much into our relationship and I am not getting anything out of it. She thinks I am obsessed with sex, but I am not! Regular couples have sex multiple times a week. Lexie and I see each other maybe 2 times a months and it is fair for me to want physical contact on those days… Something is seriously wrong because she does not return my love, all she does is say “i love you” but anyone can say “I love you” it does not mean anything if you don’t back it up. She does not show me she really loves me, she does not show me that I am something special to her, she makes everything about herself. Every time I try to tell her “hey, I don’t feel the love and that makes me feel so bad I want to actually kill myself” she interjects with telling me her whole life is screwed up and because of that she does not want to show me she loves me. Now I can understand her being depressed and sad, but the point is we all feel that way all the time. Especially me but I still go to the ends of earth for her. Making her feel better is what I have been doing for the past few months. Maybe if she showed some love and interest in me I would not have to validate our relationship with sex. That said I still want to have sex with Lexie, in fact I want sex on a regular basis, sex is suppose to be something beautiful… The kind of sex we are having now… I might as well be having sex with a blow up doll. This really aggravates me, she is so goddamn inert. She says I love you and then forgets about me so easily which makes me see she does not care. This fucking sucks.