I thought I got a blog written today during school, but then I felt it
would be better if I didn’t post it today. Instead I am going to hold
off and post it in a few days. To supplement the “blog that should
have been” I want to talk about something else.
I am not really in a good place right now… In fact I feel pretty
shitty. Believe it or not but for me this is normal… I realize that I
am the root cause of the way I feel. Right now my biggest fault is
that when it comes to social situations I am really very awkward… I can’t
help but wanting to talk to people. A lot of the time I say things
spontaneously for the sake of saying something that will be
acknowledged. While this is not ALWAYS bad it is not something I really
feel I can’t control anymore. I can feel myself fucking up; I can hear
myself saying things I shouldn’t say and yet… It is so programmed,
so automatic that I make the mistake before I can fix it. I am not in
any way saying this is an excuse for my actions, no not at all. I am
trying to figure out a way to operantly condition myself to go back to
being the person I used to be. I was once a cool, calm, and reserved
personality. Now I am loud, obnoxious, and arrogant sounding… I
honestly have somewhat of a mercurial personality when it comes to
people. However I am not a physically volatile person, in fact
if people at school heard I was involved I a fight or physical
altercation most of them would be completely shocked. So while I am
not a violent person I am constantly trying to prevent myself from
attacking other people’s opinions. I have been getting better at avoiding
serious confrontation but I feel like I argue pointless things
sometimes and this makes me disliked among my peers.
I mean let’s be real… I dislike me. I have even talked to my dad
about taking some sort of medication that will help me focus on being
myself and removing all the un-expended energy I always have cooped up
in my body. I need a release…