So the past few days have been pretty cool, the three best things that have happened in my life are as follows.

1. I got into Florida State University, they are the first college to send out admission descisions, so no matter what i am going to college Yay!.

2. Lexie is in town, and even though I feel kinda sick, we have had some fun, she has come to GHS for a day and things have been good since =).

3. I have driven to school the past few days and i have taken Rachel with me. Today we saw the “Hot and Fresh” sign on at Krispy Kreme so i pulled over and bought a dozen hot fresh doughnuts and Rachel and I ate them. We shared the majority i had left over of course. But it was a pretty fun adventure with Rachel, and i enjoy our time together =).

Speaking of enjoying time with the punkface, I wrote a big long blog on the bus the other day about how i am lonely without anybody to ride with me and i have posted it as follows.

So, I know this is going to sound pretty lame, but I have been thinking about it and when Rachel is not on the bus I can never talk to or sit with other people. I am not entirely sure why but I feel  like the big reason is that Rachel is somebody I enjoy sitting next  to, she is smart and pretty and can hold a good conversation. The “stock” of the kids who ride my bus are not of the most fantastic quality… In fact most of them are pretty obnoxious. There are a select few that I have formed mild acquaintances with. Beyond that there is very little interaction between me and the others. As it is I feel like I am a polar opposite of just about everyone I know… And maybe I am going to far when I say that. Maybe my state of mind is just that of a different age.

Is it possible, nay probable that I somehow skipped a huge block of my personal development? Maybe I have made myself think and moved beyond the maturity levels that I was suppose to incur later in life… Or maybe even it is just arrested development- who the hell knows? I am no psychologist by any means, perhaps Piaget can help me
understand why I am the way I am.Personally I was never a fan of psychoanalysis. In my opinion Freud had good methodology just bad theories. He spent his whole life trying to be profound and famous; I think he was just trying so hard that he began to force his ideas until they became pathological. On the subject, I was never really a fan of psychometric test either. Who is to say that my state of mind is quantitative? IQ is a bunch of bull honky in my opinion. While it does carry some weight it is very culturally based. For instance if I were to take an IQ test in German I would probably score high enough to be considered mentally retarded… Whoo…

That huge digression aside the big moral of my story is that I wish Rachel road the bus home more often. I am lonely when I have nobody riding with me. Even if we don’t talk, I like knowing she is there next to me. *sigh*…. And such is life

So, it was a good weekend these past few days, i talked to Lexie a bit, and i hung out with the guys on Saturday. Since i started puting my Zine into production Friday I was able to finish on Saturday and then drop them off at Wayward Council with Zach. In retrospect i should have paid the $2 setup fee. But instead for the first 5 I just donated them. I will get it eventually.

When I finally got home on saturday which was around 8pm, I stayed up till like 1:30 am finishing up home work so that I would not have to worry about it on Sunday. That was an AMAZING descion because I did not feel like doing home work yesterday… no not at all.

I wrote about 3 letters to people on SendSomething.net. One of the letters has a love note in it that i have never sent. Apparently people like those kinda things, and i had some feelings to work out, so it did not bother me to write one. Who knows, maybe i will re-write it someday and send it. But only when i feel ready.

School is starting soon, there are a few things i need to do quickly after school either today or tomorrow, and that is go to my moms and get all my shit that is there, and drop by Central Florida Office Supply to get a new typewriter ribbon, because mine is about worn out. I cycled the damn thing like 10 times and i am not sure how many times is the norm before replacement.

So I just had the best idea ever and it all stemmed from an idea that was also good, but still in development. I went to Walmart today because i needed a voice recorder, and it was imperative that i got it as soon as possible.

You see, i try to write down all the profound things that Owens has to say in class but the damn guy expound profound ideas like a freaking snow blower… It is overwhelming. SOOOO i got a voice recorder to capture everything he has to say in it’s purity and inflection. I was not sure what i was going to do with the invaluable information up until a few minutes ago.

I am going to make a Zine!, and I am going to try to put one out at least once a month, and at most once every two school weeks. I have even come up with a name for the Zine, Awake In Class, fictitious tales from the sanctuary. It is going to feature Owens in his own words, tales from the class, and of course a The Best Of The Jumble section. it is going to be tough but it can be worth it. Lets see how it turns out, i am so excited =).

Sometimes you just have to accept that what you do is going to make people act cold and stony toward you. If you are going to stand up and say what others won’t then you will be crucified. They say the longest hair gets cut first. I care, but not in the way that people are jerks, but the way that my friends can be so cold and stony about it. I have to choose my words carefully when I text Kyle back, because if I slip up there will be a certain amount of hell to pay.
But on the good side, when you do something so profound that it makes an indelible mark on people, others notice. Even if they don’t agree with you, they notice and hear you out. And in the long run that is cool and makes things seem a little worth it.

I thought I got a blog written today during school, but then I felt it
would be better if I didn’t post it today. Instead I am going to hold
off and post it in a few days. To supplement the “blog that should
have been” I want to talk about something else.
I am not really in a good place right now… In fact I feel pretty
shitty. Believe it or not but for me this is normal… I realize that I
am the root cause of the way I feel. Right now my biggest fault is
that when it comes to social situations I am really very awkward… I can’t
help but wanting to talk to people. A lot of the time I say things
spontaneously for the sake of saying something that will be
acknowledged. While this is not ALWAYS bad it is not something I really
feel I can’t control anymore. I can feel myself fucking up; I can hear
myself saying things I shouldn’t say and yet… It is so programmed,
so automatic that I make the mistake before I can fix it. I am not in
any way saying this is an excuse for my actions, no not at all. I am
trying to figure out a way to operantly condition myself to go back to
being the person I used to be. I was once a cool, calm, and reserved
personality. Now I am loud, obnoxious, and arrogant sounding… I
honestly have somewhat of a mercurial personality when it comes to
people. However I am not a physically volatile person, in fact
if people at school heard I was involved I a fight or physical
altercation most of them would be completely shocked. So while I am
not a violent person I am constantly trying to prevent myself from
attacking other people’s opinions. I have been getting better at avoiding
serious confrontation but I feel like I argue pointless things
sometimes and this makes me disliked among my peers.
I mean let’s be real… I dislike me. I have even talked to my dad
about taking some sort of medication that will help me focus on being
myself and removing all the un-expended energy I always have cooped up
in my body. I need a release…

 

There have been a lot of things changing over the past few days. I hung out with Lexie over the break again on Saturday after tail gating at the gator game. I took her home and had a nap with her. It was not long until she was turning over in grief because she had a terrible stomach ache. I ended up driving her home and then driving the car to my dads work so that I could ride my bike to Clemens house where there was a sort of party going on. I ate like 5 shikabobs and a bunch of really good food. Lindsay and Clemens disappeared for a little while and nobody knew where they were. Apparently they went back to Lindsay’s car to make out. This was strange for me to hear because Lindsay is not the kind of girl to make out with really anybody. Of the $25 I found on black Friday I gave 10 of it back to Rachel for when she gave me money to drive her to practice. I do not need the $10 and I would drive her to practice anytime for free and she knows that. I did 9.5 hours of homework last night and as it turns out I really didn’t have to… Lame… So I am not going to do anything tonight

I am writing letters and making ATC’s or small arts to send to strangers on Sendsomething.Net. It turns out it is actually really hard to just mail a stranger, I want to mail people my age but there is nobody as young as me on the site. This is kind of a let down because I want people to mail that I can at least identify with. However I like the idea of older wiser friends.

So this kid at my school max turner got arrested for a DUI, I will post a link to his mug shot. Anyway I hate drunk drivers the statistic for bicyclist killed by drunks is outrageous. I ride my bike a lot and I think about getting hit by drunk drivers all the time… It really is scary to ride my bike and realize that that might be the day I die. I also hate seeing ghost bikes around town. Every time I ride up 75th street I see one chained up to a tree in this ladies front yard… That could be me… It freaks me out a lot. That is why I don’t feel bad for Max I know too many people and have heard too many stories of people being killed by drunk drivers. I hope he learns his lesson as he is rotting in jail right now. I hate the idea of being run down doing something I love. I really truly hate alcohol abuse, especially in America where the sole idea of drinking is to get drunk.

I am going to try to go to my mom’s house now after school to steal her typewriter, or maybe not, idk, I am spending a week there while my step dad (the reason moved out) is in china on a conference thing for his school. Other then that and homework I am just kind of sitting sleepy and thinking. I am glad I got to get a good blog done today. Dandelions are my inspiration.

Hey, well I drove to my mom’s house and got the typewriter and through a long arduous process got it working and typing pretty decently again. I wrote something like 4-5 letters and now I don’t want to go to bed.

Thanksgiving was yesterday… I am still awestruck because it was actually a lot of fun. For the first time in many years I enjoyed the company of my mothers side of the family. It was a traditional thanksgiving dinner but my Cuban mother threw in some good Spanish dishes. The food was all fabulous … I gave my sister a hug and a kiss before I left and it was also for the first time in a long time not forced. Her boyfriend was there his name is Will and I expected him to be a total creep…. But he was actually really nice, he has a bit of a speech impediment but he at least seems like a nice guy. My step dad stayed pretty much out of the way of everything and did not have the autocratic presence he usually does. This is also the first family function I have been to since I escaped from my moms house last year… Yeah escaped. My next thanksgiving is with the Millers out in the boondocks, I have the car ready to go and now I am just waiting for the call from Lexie. I have already eaten to much…. I can’t believe I was able to enjoy thanksgiving. I guess it is true what they say about space fixing family problems =).
Well I jsut woke up around 12:30am it is still “today” so I have time to get this blog entry in! Last ngiht with Lexie was a lot of fun, I drove her and her siblings way out into the boonies to her uncle Steve’s place. The car ride there was funny Eli showed us he can’t count very well and Xylie just kinda laughed at him. I found it funny that I was going 80mph down a dark curvy road just to keep up with Lexie’s parents ><. When we finally got to steve's place everyone was there and there was a ton of food. I was already pretty stuffed from the night before and couldn't eat much. Haze the puppy (not actually a puppy per say) was adorable and calm as usually, sonny the doxin was also cute as can be. It is sad because you can tell that both dogs are still getting over Lincolns death… The time at Steve's house as a whole was pretty fun right as uncle Pete and aunt Sandra were leaving Lex and I took off, but not before she beat my high score on paper toss.
What happened next was strange, Lex navigated me back to Gainesville; which is typical because I have no sense of direction, and we found a dark place to well… "watch the submarine races." Long story short after some fancy positoning the sex was FANTASTIC, Lex was really into it and it was hot and heavy like it is suppose to be =). Afterwards Lex and I just lied down with each other and cuddled in the warm slightly humid SUV… Yeah I have a big car so no worries. I drove her home and watched the godfather with her and her parents for a bit and then drove home and fell asleep.
So I wake up this morning and I go out to the mail box and find that I have two things in the mail for me. A slightly late package from Lexie and a letter from Mandi. Both were great and I can't wait to write back. Chemistry class is trying to have a reunion sometime this week and Rachel wants me to see New Moon with her and creepy Zach kid. We will see how things turn out. I certainly had a lot to write today, I am happy to say my week is just getting better =].

So I have no clue what exactly what is going on between me and Lexie, all I know is that I am putting so much into our relationship and I am not getting anything out of it.  She thinks I am obsessed with sex, but I am not! Regular couples have sex multiple times a week. Lexie and I see each other maybe 2 times a months and it is fair for me to want physical contact on those days… Something is seriously wrong because she does not return my love,  all she does is say “i love you” but anyone can say “I love you”  it does not mean anything if you don’t back it up. She does not show me she really loves me, she does not show me that I am something special to her, she makes everything about herself. Every time I try to tell her “hey, I don’t feel the love and that makes me feel so bad I want to actually kill myself” she interjects with telling me her whole life is screwed up and because of that she does not want to show me she loves me. Now I can understand her being depressed and sad, but the point is we all feel that way all the time. Especially me but I still go to the ends of earth for her. Making her feel better is what I have been doing for the past few months. Maybe if she showed some love and interest in me I would not have to validate our relationship with sex. That said I still want to have sex with Lexie, in fact I want sex on a regular basis, sex is suppose to be something beautiful… The kind of sex we are having now… I might as well be having sex with a blow up doll. This really aggravates me, she is so goddamn inert. She says I love you and then forgets about me so easily which makes me see she does not care. This fucking sucks.

Well I am starting this blog so that I have something to write to the world that I can feel is private from Lexie. I like my xanga, but it is getting a bit old In my eyes and I want something I can just write what I feel, for everybody and nobody.

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